the ides of March

My gut anxiety was correct last week—even though as I typed those words, I still had the scent of Gerrard’s soap in my nose, could still feel his hands in my hair.  He began to fade away on Thursday and was disappeared in earnest by Friday noon.

Jack did the exact same thing, and being someone who regards manners so highly, I should be disappointed at how these boys ghost — but I have some new perspective today.

First, Jack/Gerrard are essentially the same person. A few years’ age difference and several hundred miles geographically… but otherwise, they could be brothers. They drink the same whiskey, they quoted me the same movies, they mooned over my same assets, they have the same number of kids (of the same ages) from previous relationship, they have the same wolf-pack of married and bachelor buddies, the same upbringing… the list goes on and on. I actually begin keeping a list early on because it was so uncanny.

So, of course they both ghosted the exact same way, exact same timeline. (I spent more time talking to Jack over phone and text before meeting, whereas I met with Gerrard in person twice before inviting him over, but for all intents those are nominal differences.)

How to justify the uncanny similarities between them is difficult, especially since I’m well on record as not believing in coincidence.

I originally thought it was one of two things:

  1. I am so inclined to attract and connect with a certain kind of boy, that I merely happened to cross paths in short order with two highly-distilled versions of the same type… which is purely a numbers/odds game.
  2. Or, that the universe wants me to take a message, and wants to make sure I get it loud and clear. Twice.

The message could be one of several:

  • That the thing I want is not something that fits into a nice, nifty box. As in, the luck I had in the evolution of my relationship with Allen — where we happily became a full-time emotional/mental connection with part-time physical access to one another, a scenario perfect for us — is not going to likely be a future possibility when I am the Dominant.  (To wit: both Jack and Gerrard expressed light/veiled concern that he would not be able to “settle” for sharing me with the rest of my life — if what we appeared to be building did come to pass.)  Could that be the message?  That I am to stop seeking an ongoing, 24-7 connection, since my life doesn’t allow me to give a sub my 24-7 time?
  • The other, of course, is that I might be attracted to (and attracting) the wrong type of man as a potential submissive. Maybe my physical response to alphas, as well as my mental interest in breaking them down, is trapping me in situations destined to fail. More on this to come.

Then, an email pal of mine — we’ll call him Andy — suggested that my issue might not be the who and how and what of my search process… but my tendency to catch and so quickly release.

In processing that idea, it also occurred to me that it’s possible that I’m attracting dilettantes — such that the second they’ve had a fun night in bed with Mistress, the itch is scratched and the work part of the D/s relationship becomes unappealing.

(Such irony for me, because of course in that first evening, there isn’t even any PIV sex. I stay clothed, no one gets access to my charms. I inspect, I play, I measure the goods and performance to see if it is even a real long-term prospect. Ho hum. Obviously it’s not the worst way to spend an evening, but it is truly a step in the vetting process for me, not a sex romp.)

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