these days

Post Soundtrack: “These Days” by the Black Keys

Allen wanted to visit tonight—to see if there was time and space to go back to the place where I was his submissive.

We had a lovely dinner, one of my favorite restaurants.

And he didn’t hear me, he didn’t hear a single word I said. I tried to tell him that I had changed, since we had met. I tried to get him to see that I had grown—and that he had done the opposite of growing.

He wasn’t ready or willing to hear it.  We ended it not much different from how we would have ended it as high school students in the mall parking lot: we argued by the bumper of the car, waving arms, he tried to kiss me and I shoved him off and he threw his ring at me.

So I drive home on the rain-slick streets, and with my hand on the wheel, I look at—and wonder what to do with—the pearl ring we made together for me, and the inscribed ring he wore for four years.

And then I think that my hands need lotion, and that I’m tired.

And I feel sad, but also unencumbered.

And I realize I’m now truly ready for the universe to send me the boy that I deserve.

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