I need the deep end

Current soundtrack: R U Mine? Arctic Monkeys

First thought on repeat in my head today: why do I fill my days with more than I should? Being busy and tired all the time is not a status symbol. 

Second thought on repeat in my head today: 

Just because it doesn’t click as fast and easy as Gerrard and Jack, doesn’t mean it’s not a runner. Right?

Harry Potter isn’t easy.  We are matched intellectually; no question. Academically, IQ-wise, he’s smarter than any candidate. But physically the attraction (so far) is “merely” so-so. 

And emotionally… whew. I feel nothing for him. None of the things I normally feel for a candidate: protective, infatuated, curious, tender, dreamy, affectionate, hopeful.  None of that. 

It reminds me of the school break over my last year of high school, where I had become good friends with the valedictorian over six years of shared course schedules; and we had nothing better to do that month so we fucked at the park and in his mother’s poolhouse every night.

Mechanically, it was fun. Intellectually, he wasn’t a waste of my time.  But I felt nothing for him. Still see him on visits back to the old town… and it’s the most platonic relationship ever.

I could keep plundering on. Harry is definitely well-trained as a sub — totally different from all the rookie others. More than merely “respecting” my authority (come on — my dog can do that)… he understands it. He gets that my power over him is about more than just a temporary sexual energy; it is a shared mutual contract. 

If nothing else: the fact that he is different from all the other candidates, and therefore I am collecting new data for the study… would seem to say I ought stick it out a bit. 

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